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Sunday, December 6, 2009
Very recently, I thought I lost something very important to me. The feeling of helplessness was overwhelming. =X. In the end, it turned out that
my mum had kept it for me. Hmmmm. I'm such a scatter brain. I can be really calm and collected at times, but most of the time, I just crumple on
the floor and break down. I seriously was at a loss as to what to do. I had rummaged the entire room, and other places.. Thoughts that ran
through my mind were like.. "I'm so stupid, I'm so dead. All the effort I put in for this, and now it's gone, everything is gone. Why do I keep
losing things? I'd do anything to get this back. Where is it?!" Yupp.. sth like that.
I searched everywhere like 3 or 4 times.. I was crying till everything in front of me was flowing down incessantly... LOL. and then my mum was
like ," i found it" !!!!!!!!! My goodness, you can't imagine the immense relief and the other rush of emotions that followed. Wow. I may not know
what it's like to lose something even bigger, like your home, for instance. But, I'll never forget this experience of mine. If I had totally lost it, I
wouldn't be able to sleep at night, of course. I'd be replaying events and trying to piece together solutions for hours...
Well. The intensifying feeling of hopelessness is like a sharp and intense pain that goes right through you. I'm not exaggerating at all. Ah well.
Sometimes, it's better for life to be boring. Better than searching AND searching for something you've worked so hard for, and then getting
more and more disappointed and frustrated. It's like going down an escalator of your soul, and the panic just speeds everything up, little by little.
GAAAAH. Sorry i'm overreacting with my writing, but i can't help it, can't help myself. When I go through something like that, I get a bit more
expressive. LOL. If not, I'd be like.. nothing much as usual! THE END. Ahaha. =/
Waaa. It's the coolest ending to me. Haha. I just hope that I won't get bored. Cuz I get bored extremely easily. My parents would know. Heh heh.
The beginning of the movie is crucial. Once I don't like the first few segments of it, I'll immediately switch to another channel. LOL. Highly impatient
eh. But there are some movies that have caught my attention from the start. Such as the mummy: tomb of the dragon emperor. :D. Fast-moving
action! Just love all that!! Hahaha :P I don't like movies that are so slow and stuff... don't know why I like hong kong dramas.. after all, most of it
aint action-packed. =/ But they rule as well :D.
Hmm... me looking for games :D... I love the game build-a-lot 2.. but it's not exactly free.. haiyaa.. i'm such a broke person, just don't buy games.
Haha! Prefer to download them =/ Going to freelunchdesign to check out the games there.. kinda bored with icy tower. Looking for games where
I can build stuff.. but that usually costs money.. =/ Built-a-lot 2 is like.. you can become an entrepreneur and set up shops, build houses..
you have an income.. and there's rental income as well... mostly to do with building.. i found it really fun :D. Heh hehh.. so bored of arcade games.
Used to be crazy over tetris, but now not so. Hopefully can find a game like build-a-lot 2 on the net!
Have been thinking a little about A levels as well.. Maybe I shouldn't have been so pessimistic.. It's not the end of my world and it won't totally
jeopardize my career options. Well... there'll be more time and money wasted. If the results are terrible, which I'm expecting them to be.. I may
end up having to use my igcse to apply for singapore poly. Strange eh. My mum had two dreams about me going to singapore poly. And her dreams
are 80% true. ;O I love singapore poly, have always wanted to go there.. Wonder if I should have applied to singapore poly one & a half years ago.
Maybe I shouldn't have wasted time and money on this A level course. Ah well. No use thinking about what ifs. At least, the course was generally
an interesting experience.
Hmmm... my igcse aint good.. but at least it looks better than my a levels.. =X. Mmmmm... if I can get to singapore poly, I'll be thankful. Even though
I'm later and slower than my peers. I mean, at least I can work towards a better career. If I'm faced with that option, I'll surely choose humanities.
That, I'm sure of. Either that, or media. I am very certain of my aim, but my results are so worrying. I really wish I didn't have to use my igcse to
apply. =X. Of course, I wanna get into a university. NTU and NUS are just not for me. Ah well.... if I get somewhere, this time, I really won't be
distracted. =( Sighh... =/ That's the only thing I've been worrying about, but it's not like I worry till I can't sleep. Just something that constantly
nudges me when I'm deep in thoughts.
Well, no use worrying eh? Just putting another burden on yourself. A part of me believes that there's a side to life that we can't control, and a
larger part believes that we shape our own destiny. Well, whatever it is, it'll become a reality that we have to deal with. It's always the 'facing
the music' part that is the hardest to do.
Heh hehh.. I watched twilight yesterday on star movies :D. Better late than never :P. I just wanted to see why every teen was so crazy over this.
Yeah, it is really good :D. I like the photography, and the way they directed the movie. Robert Pattinson was really good at acting as Edward.
Heh heh.. :D The intense gaze of his that he kept up throughout the movie. Wow. WOW. :O One of my celebrity crushes. Lol. I think he looks better
in reality.. cuz in the movie, he's too white, but that's what Edward is like anyway. Aha.
Heh hehh, they played 'leave out all the rest' and 'supermassive blackhole'! :D. love those songs. Also love decode. That time when I downloaded it,
I immediately took a liking to it. Ahaha. It's an awesome movie.. though I still think reading the book gives greater satisfaction. :D. But, anyway,
great romance going on there :D. The thing which drew me to the series in the first place was actually the romance part. Ahaha. And you get this
intense, tight sensation inside as you turn the pages. :] I don't like fantasy at all.. especially vampires and all that stuff... but this series is really
special cuz it's so different from other fantasy stories!
I've got out of my depressed and pessimistic self. These days, I find myself smiling more (my eyes are getting smaller in the process.. LOL)!
Time really does heal all wounds. A lot of time though. But I have found back my optimistic and happy-go-lucky self. I know I have. After all those
time doing silly stuff (my closest friends know =X) and getting so emotional and sensitive and all that.. I've learnt more about life, about myself.
And I'm no longer lost. I'm still a scatter brain, I'm still the number one blur queen, I'm still easily sensitive, but I've become a much happier person.
:] People will hurt you in this life, they'll tear you down with words, and some days you just get so frustrated with everything... but rumours
always fade away. You just gotta prove to people, and not bother about what they say. People will always change their minds, but we can't try to
change them, we just have to be positive and work really hard, for our sake and for those who truly care for us.
Being happier doesn't mean that I don't shed tears now and then (like in the first para). But these days I don't get hurt that easily anymore. Like..
I've heard many, many bad stuff being said about me.. from different people.. =X. Though I'm no longer in school, I still know that I've made
many enemies, somehow. But it doesn't matter. When people told me what was being said about me, I didn't feel anything. Really. In the past, I'd
have hid in a dark corner and wept really hard. But now, nah. It's ok lah.
YEAH, that's really the first thought that came to mind when I saw the smses. I took a deep breath and thought "It's ok lah~" Lol. I'm so strange.
Different reaction from last time. Maybe I'm really a very detestable person. I've done so many wrong things in this life, made so many mistakes,
regretted quite a bit in just 18 years. But it's alright. Even though the whole world hates me, even if I have no friends, I know that there is
someone who loves me unconditionally and accepts me for who I am, no matter what. That's more than enough.
I've realised many things that I used to be so dense about. I hope that I'll learn more in the days to come. ^^ Some things cannot be undone, but
there's always a need to move forward and stop looking at the road behind.
Not much going on in my life ehh. ;) But I kinda like it that way sometimes.
...Amo il dio!!!
4:27 PM
