So bored of my life. I'm supposed to be excited at the thought of going back to singapore.. miss my friends, the mrt, libraries, the convenience and stuff... so many things. But there's
this hole in my heart.. It feels really heavy too. I keep worrying about my future.. I can't get into university.. Ah well. I've heard of so many success stories.. of people who didn't get
into university and yet did well later on.. I just feel so low lately. I think I've got some depression or something. Sometimes I just get that episode of being so 'high' and stuff.. then
I just slip into the 'lows'.

I'm so weird.. I don't even understand myself anymore. I can't talk to my parents about this, and I can't talk to anybody about my worries cuz they
wouldn't understand.. and I don't want people to think that I like to get sympathy and love talking about myself. Oh man. But sometimes it just hurts so badly.. I wish I had someone
to lean on.

I don't wanna go back to singapore actually. It's gonna be so lonely there. It's good for my dad, the treatment and stuff.. and well my parents are really homesick. I'm just not
homesick now. Used to be.. Well.. I'm just gonna walk around, looking lost and stuff.. and then busy with some job and.. yepp.. nothing much. I just feel really lonely.. I don't wanna
be that way.

I wanna be cheerful and stuff, I'm trying to be optimistic, but I can't. Some days, I can lie to myself and just pretend life is going oh so smoothly. But other days, it's
really painful for me. To me, loneliness is the most painful feeling ever. But the problem is I don't know if there is anyone I can talk to. Someone who sincerely wants to listen and
not for the sake of doing a good deed or something.

If anybody reads my blog, I'm sure they would wonder why I'm so open about my feelings and stuff. But this blog is the only space where I can be honest to myself. I don't care
about what people think of me, I'm just trying to ease my pain. And my love life is also going nowhere.. I love him a lot, and I know that life is just gonna feel so empty without him..

All those times when I thought that he had dumped me.. I just felt like what Bella did when Edward left her in new moon. "a hole punched in my chest".. HAHA. goodness, I'm so
dramatic. Drama mama. But it's true, it's a feeling that people truly in love can identify with.

Typing these words... they don't really do anything. Frankly, I don't feel any better. But at least I feel more normal, expressing myself like this. Yeaa.. like I said.. my love life is at a
standstill. Most of the time I doubt his feelings for me and I don't feel like he's the right one for me. Cuz if I'm the only one in the relationship who feels he's important, then what's
the point?

He has been giving me the cold shoulder lately, not wanting to meet me at all. He just looks at me from afar. And I can't look for him cuz it's his workplace and I just
cannot disturb him like that.. Have to respect his space and stuff too. As much as I wanna go nudge him or something.. But nah, won't do that. But the thing is.. I'm leaving in a
week and he suddenly gets so cold..

I wanna see him.. cuz I know that it'll take quite a long time for me to come to Jakarta. He doesn't seem to care.. He doesn't seem to miss me. He only sends those smses, and
always adds 'miss u mel' at the end.. but then he doesn't look for me.. Wahh.. what is this? sms romance? Haii.. I know I shouldn't be thick-skinned.. So since he doesn't wanna see
me, I shall keep away from him as well.

Reading all that I've typed about him all this while, you must think that he's some jerk. But naah, he's not. He's cool, nice and one of the most awesome guys I've ever known in my
life. He's definitely not a jerk. It's just that he doesn't show his feelings for me, as much as I'd like for him to do so. He's not warm enough to me... just feels so far away. I mean..

cmon!! I'M STILL HERE, WE CAN STILL SEE EACH OTHER, EVEN IF IT'S ONLY FOR A FEW MINUTES... where is the love dood? Now's so not the time to be distant from me... I mean..
I've been feeling so lonely and he won't even give me a hug or something. Sorry I keep talking about hugs, but I really like hugs. They're not overly intimate and they're sweet!

Ah well. I don't mean to get so emo and stuff.. I really don't mean to be this way. I know that many people have it worse than me... But nothing has been going well, life is a
constant heartache, and it feels like I'm just barely hanging on. If I told this to my parents, I'd just be asking for a scolding or some lesson about life. If I confided in friends, they'd
just ask me to cheer up and pray to God. I haven't been religious and stuff, I admit. Cuz I really need a person to be with me .. I'm not spiritual and stuff.

Oh well. Nothing else I can do but go through the motions. Everyday just feel like everybody has abandoned me and that I'm not important to anyone. I don't feel like I've made a
difference in anybody's life. People can try to console me by saying that I've been an amazing friend and stuff. But naah. I've been too caught up with my personal stuff that I
haven't taken the time to truly care for anybody or do something for someone in need.

I'm always too caught up. Everyday, I feel really miserable. I'm always thinking of just
ending my life by taking tons and tons and tons of pills .. I think that's what my body needs.. I've tried taking 10 sleeping pills, but I still woke up in the morning feeling extremely
sick. Maybe 10 is too little. I'm such a kid.

I know that suicide is totally wrong and stupid. But I feel like my life is so worthless and the worst part is.. it's worthless to me. I can just end it now if I am able to. But I can't. I
have responsibilities. I don't like to sound like a righteous person, whatsoever. But I need to help my mum.. she can't deal with all these stuff alone. The least I could do is try to
help out, even if it's only a bit. Leaving this world behind at this time is darned selfish.

I think I'm a really selfish person, but I can't bear to do that. I wanna do something for
people in need, but I've just been struggling with my own emotional needs. So I really don't know what to do.. Nothing else to do.. just have to live through everything. Just have to
do what I must do.

The most most most important people to me just won't be there with me.. my bestie and him. I dont know if I'll ever know anybody who can be more important than them. No
matter how much he hurts me by being so cold to me, I'm still really thankful for having known him.. He's amazing, just such a busy guy, too busy for me, I guess. But he's just not
like those crushes. He's so much more than that.

Only two more days and not a moment of being near him anymore. I can only take comfort in my fantasies, when I close my eyes and see him in my mind - his scent and his voice
as well. He feels so far away from me, and it seems that he likes being so far away from me, maybe even forever. To think that all I ever wanted was to be close to him, forever.
Once these two days are over, who knows when? This time, we'll really be far apart. Time is something really strange. It passes by both quickly and slowly.

Anyway.. when I'm
back in singapore, just wanna make myself extremely busy. Work and sleep, then work and sleep. So won't have time to walk around and feel lonely. Guess that's the best
remedy. And at the same time can earn tons of money! Hmm. These days, my taste in music has also changed. Kinda prefer those fast and catchy dance music.. those romantic
stuff just make me feel worse ehh. The seconds tick by so slowly, and the days zoom by so quickly. It's just a matter of moving on. Maybe someday I'll get over him. Maybe he
wants me to do that. Or he wants to get over me. Aaaaaaaargh. OKAYYY. ENOUGHH. Don't think, don't thinkk...

...............

Only two more days and not a moment of being near him anymore.

Why?

Aaaargh. I feel like I show him too much love, I feel like I'm letting too much of my feelings show. He lied to me that time. Hmphh. He asked me to do something, then he doesn't
do it back to me. I feel so cheated, you know.. Like he wants me to express all my feelings, and then he just ignores me like that. I wish he could know how painful that feels laah.
I'm just a girl. I can't spell it out for him. I don't wanna throw myself at him. I'm not desperate for him, just that.. aaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!!! Am I so unlovable? He just wants to stay
far away from me........ He goes so near to his colleagues and patients, but he treats me like I got some super contagious disease..

FINE. forget it. if that's what he wants.. I shall just let him be. One day I'll find somebody more deserving of my love than him.

Woww.. another uber long blog post.. it's always so long when I'm feeling emotional, hahh. Oh well.

I'm so terribly confused.. I always thought I could sense what people were thinking about and stuff.. but nahh.. this one guy ahh.. making me so confused.. everytime i think that he has given up, he hasn't... I cried really terribly yesterday cuz I thought that he wanted to dump me... it was the most painful night ever... and then I just saw his sms today.. he said I looked beautiful with my new hairstyle.. must be flattering laa.. what a sweet mouth he's got >.<... hmphhh..

Yeaah :D I cut my hair.. cuz it was so troublesome.. so difficult to manage.. like a bush that time.. now it's shoulder length and thinner..

OMG.. I'm so confused.. CONFUSION IS REALLY MY MIDDLE NAME.. so worried about my future.. i'm quite touched.. this teacher of mine has been really kind and sweet to me, trying his best to help me get into uni... ahh well.. what will be will be. I'm just so tired of thinking.. Just take it one step at a time.. I'd appealed to NTU that time, but I'm quite cynical.. ummm.. Just hoping... it's gonna be a long road ahead for me..

I guess my love life is kind of the highlight of this hectic year 2010.... But it's also one of those worrying stuff... aaaaaaarghh.. I don't know why I always have this mindset that people want to abandon me.. and that he wants to dump me... I really wish I knew how he really felt about me.. I'm quite sure it's infatuation (don't get me wrong, i don't mean i'm beautiful or sth -.-).. ... ...

Ah well... Don't think so much laah.. Shall just stay optimistic and stuff..

Hmm. I've been a really mean person.. Never gave him a chance.. I can see that he wants to explain and stuff.. Frankly, I felt quite touched when he constantly tried to see me on
Monday and Thursday.. and he's got to carry my heavy dad just to do so on Thursday.. but ah well. I just never gave him a chance. Well, I have three reasons. Firstly, I think he's
unfaithful to me. Hmphh. He's the playful kind of person, I'm quite sure he's playing with me..

people always treat me like some toy =(.. I don't think he really loves me that way.
He probably only likes my look or something like that. I don't know. Secondly, it's better to let go now than get hurt later. I mean... we won't see each other for a long time...
I think now he's probably given up already.. what's the point?

Unless I really mean that much to him. Part of me hopes he has given up, the other part just longs to hold him.. but
I musn't get too caught up in my stupid fantasies. Thirdly, he doesn't really love me laahh. I know that. I think so. I shouldn't let myself get hurt.

By ignoring him now, I'm like the biggest villain and heartbreaker. But he'll get over me in time. I'm sure. Maybe after one night or a few days.. YUP. Sometimes I think that he only
wants to be with me for all the wrong reasons. Maybe he just wants to show off or something. Not that I'm that great, but yaa. Maybe he just wants to feel good. Maybe he just
treats this as a game. He's just such a playful person.. it's something I like about him, but it's also a bad thing, cuz I think he's not serious about me. So I shan't turn up on Monday..

And Thursday too. Try to find some excuse not to go to the hospital. Unless my mum really needs me or something. It's really painful. It's not like I enjoy hurting him or something.
NO WAY. Everytime I ignored him, I just felt really painful, like there was something cutting me up inside. Gross eh, sick description, I know. But it's true, I'm not exaggerating. It
hurts me terribly. I really like him a lot, I still do. Even though I doubt his feelings for me...

I feel terrible right now. Cuz I once told him in an sms that I'll always be there to listen to him and that I'll always love him. Well, clearly I'm not practising what I preached. But then..
the way I see it, if he's really not serious about me, then it's better that way. He'll find a girl he really loves and who really deserves him. Why waste our time? I'm not the type who
likes to play games.. I don't treat love as a game, I'm super serious about it, okayyy.

And actually I don't want him to know that. I'll probably scare him away. In fact, I think I've
already scared him away by my "cold-ness". I always try to act like I'm not serious about anything, but the fact is, I am deeply involved when it comes to matters of the heart.
Guess that's why I always get hurt. I hate getting hurt, I don't want him to hurt me. Maybe if I just avoid him, he'll give up, and I won't get hurt. Yepp. Childish thinking.. but yeaa.

Hmmm.. after all the doubts about his feelings for me, there is only one thing I want to do. That is to hug him. I really wanna hug him. But I'm scared that he gets the wrong
idea. My love for him is really the innocent and sweet type, nothing more. It would be the most amazing thing... to hug him. I still see him as a sweet guy, though he may have
some dirty thoughts and stuff.. I feel so lonely now. I really miss him, but I can't let him know that.

In my eyes, although he sometimes looks like a bad boy, he has a really
interesting personality. Maybe that's why he's so popular in the hospital. He's sweet, cute, funny, thoughtful, playful ... yeaah. Actually I don't know him well.. wish we could get the
time to really know each other.. The best thing about him is.. I can't read his mind. I never know what he's gonna do. Most people are quite predictable.. we're like two opposites.
I'm so sensitive and impulsive, while he's more rational, I guess.

Hmm... it really breaks my heart. For us to have a decent conversation, he has to go to all that trouble to carry my dad and stuff.. GOODNESS. I just want to sit next to him in
some cafe or something.. actually without my parents' knowledge :D. LOL. I'm such a bad girl too. I don't like having this type of relationship in the hospital.. and then sitting in the
ambulance with him and then seeing him off from my house.

I LOVE SITTING WITH HIM AND JUST TALKING TO HIM. Just need a better place. But he's too busy, and maybe he doesn't wanna spend time with me elsewhere. Sighh.. this thing between me and him is just ridiculous. We've never even had a proper date.. That's why I never know what to say to him.. it's just so strange. But I can't say that to him cuz I'm afraid he won't understand. And I gotta respect his working hours and stuff..

My life is so complicated right now.. wish I could be as cheerful and optimistic as him.. I really don't know.. guess I won't get that hug.. I've been so mean to him, I won't blame
him if he starts hating me.. he most likely loves me less than before. I'm weird.. absolutely weird. I've always longed for a guy to love me... and for it to be a mutual thing. And now,
when it's mutual, I start doubting him and then I start ignoring him.. and I just get so scared that he'll dump me or something. So I start acting cold towards him. YESSS. I'm weird.

Always have been weird. Yepp. This is a really long post.. cuz I'm hurting really badly now. The thing I'm most scared of is if he comes on Monday.. I'll surely give in cuz I'm not
really capable of being so cold.. it's not me, I just act cold.. And if he comes, it means he hasn't given up on me. And I won't give up on someone who doesn't give up on me. (((:

No matter how much it hurts. aaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh. I'm such a dumb girl, no wonder got rejected by nus and ntu.. Sighh.. I guess on Monday I can figure out how much I mean
to him.. then I can finally reach a conclusion and I think most likely I'll find out that he has given up and it's time to seriously get over him.. END OF MY SHORT LOVE STORY.

Till next time.

I feel so stupid now. I thought I'd finally found someone who really liked me for who I am. But that wasn't the case. It wasn't true love, but a really bad case of infatuation. He only
wanted *you know, you know*. It's like somebody splashed me with cold water. It's disgusting. The good thing is .. well I haven't lost anything. I just have to get over him and
move on.

The sad thing is .. I really liked this guy. But it turned out that his liking for me was something totally different from the way I liked him. Right now, I really have no mood
for music. They'd only remind me of him. Just need to be alone. For now, I really don't want to think of any guy. Just need to focus on my education and career.. Well, it's good that
I've finally woken up. At least, I know that he's not worth it.

This year really ain't good at all. Sighh. Nothing has been working out for me.

Well. Move on, move on, what else can I do? I'm not crying, just feel really disappointed that it turned out this way.

I'm gonna be okayyy.

Okay. What else? I got rejected by NUS too. No NUS and NTU. Why of course. Hmm the only option for me is to be a teacher. Go for IE training. There's no other choice. I am not retaking my A Levels. I really want to work. Though I may not get much pay. Yepp. Sighh. Life is dead depressing. My future is gone, my dreams won't come true. I never wanted to be a teacher, but well, it's the best thing I got right now, my only hope.

These days I've been indulging in comfort food and stuff. So frustrated, at least I wanna cheer myself up. Nothing good ever happens to me.

No education. I've just got my IGCSE and A level cert.

And no love. Seeing my circumstances and stuff... I know I have to eventually let go of him. Though of course, my heart won't let go so easily. I really really love him. But.. yup. I really envy those couples who can eat together, walk together and hold each other.. I can't. We can't be together. My dad will probably take the next few months to recover. I definitely have to be there for my mum and dad. Have to cope with the financial problems.

And I definitely must undergo training. And work at the same time. Hmmmmm.. gonna be real busy. And we won't get to keep in touch cuz he's too busy as well. Sighh.. looks like we won't talk for years or something. But one day Imma spring a surprise on him. I'm planning that. I know I'm gonna tell him not to wait for me, and I'll understand if he gets a new girlfriend. Hmmm. I'm not deserving of his love. But I still want to give him a birthday present someday. 16 march (((: Hope he doesn't change his number -.- ..

As for me, after this thing, I really don't want to think of another guy. I wanna stay single. I don't know if we'll break up or something... but I just don't want to go out with anyone else if I can't be with him. Nobody will understand, I know my parents won't. They'll think I'm silly, and yes I am.

Hmm... so right now gotta check up on some IE training stuff.... Life's depressing, but so what? Just gotta live through it. I can't kill myself or anything cuz I have got some major responsibilities. I'm not a little girl, I have my own perspectives, but that doesn't mean I won't let my heart decide.

Till next time.

Hmm... everyday is a gloomy day. I've been extremely moody, I mean really really. Don't know why I should be happy..?? . Well. Today just found out I got rejected by NTU. NUS... don't need to say lah.. Cmon. Be practical, be realistic. No university for me. Hmmm. I don't know what to say....... And then there's my dear. Gonna miss him so. Don't even know if he likes me as much as I like him. He finally professed his love for me :D. Hmmmm. But through sms laah. But still... I wonder if we'll last... Umm. Don't wanna type anymore now.. Nothing good ever happens to me. Even the best thing that happened to me (meeting him and talking to him) is gonna be temporary.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh. I accept my fate.. everything's my fault, so I won't blame anybody. Only got to blame myself.