Hmm. I've been a really mean person.. Never gave him a chance.. I can see that he wants to explain and stuff.. Frankly, I felt quite touched when he constantly tried to see me on
Monday and Thursday.. and he's got to carry my heavy dad just to do so on Thursday.. but ah well. I just never gave him a chance. Well, I have three reasons. Firstly, I think he's
unfaithful to me. Hmphh. He's the playful kind of person, I'm quite sure he's playing with me..

people always treat me like some toy =(.. I don't think he really loves me that way.
He probably only likes my look or something like that. I don't know. Secondly, it's better to let go now than get hurt later. I mean... we won't see each other for a long time...
I think now he's probably given up already.. what's the point?

Unless I really mean that much to him. Part of me hopes he has given up, the other part just longs to hold him.. but
I musn't get too caught up in my stupid fantasies. Thirdly, he doesn't really love me laahh. I know that. I think so. I shouldn't let myself get hurt.

By ignoring him now, I'm like the biggest villain and heartbreaker. But he'll get over me in time. I'm sure. Maybe after one night or a few days.. YUP. Sometimes I think that he only
wants to be with me for all the wrong reasons. Maybe he just wants to show off or something. Not that I'm that great, but yaa. Maybe he just wants to feel good. Maybe he just
treats this as a game. He's just such a playful person.. it's something I like about him, but it's also a bad thing, cuz I think he's not serious about me. So I shan't turn up on Monday..

And Thursday too. Try to find some excuse not to go to the hospital. Unless my mum really needs me or something. It's really painful. It's not like I enjoy hurting him or something.
NO WAY. Everytime I ignored him, I just felt really painful, like there was something cutting me up inside. Gross eh, sick description, I know. But it's true, I'm not exaggerating. It
hurts me terribly. I really like him a lot, I still do. Even though I doubt his feelings for me...

I feel terrible right now. Cuz I once told him in an sms that I'll always be there to listen to him and that I'll always love him. Well, clearly I'm not practising what I preached. But then..
the way I see it, if he's really not serious about me, then it's better that way. He'll find a girl he really loves and who really deserves him. Why waste our time? I'm not the type who
likes to play games.. I don't treat love as a game, I'm super serious about it, okayyy.

And actually I don't want him to know that. I'll probably scare him away. In fact, I think I've
already scared him away by my "cold-ness". I always try to act like I'm not serious about anything, but the fact is, I am deeply involved when it comes to matters of the heart.
Guess that's why I always get hurt. I hate getting hurt, I don't want him to hurt me. Maybe if I just avoid him, he'll give up, and I won't get hurt. Yepp. Childish thinking.. but yeaa.

Hmmm.. after all the doubts about his feelings for me, there is only one thing I want to do. That is to hug him. I really wanna hug him. But I'm scared that he gets the wrong
idea. My love for him is really the innocent and sweet type, nothing more. It would be the most amazing thing... to hug him. I still see him as a sweet guy, though he may have
some dirty thoughts and stuff.. I feel so lonely now. I really miss him, but I can't let him know that.

In my eyes, although he sometimes looks like a bad boy, he has a really
interesting personality. Maybe that's why he's so popular in the hospital. He's sweet, cute, funny, thoughtful, playful ... yeaah. Actually I don't know him well.. wish we could get the
time to really know each other.. The best thing about him is.. I can't read his mind. I never know what he's gonna do. Most people are quite predictable.. we're like two opposites.
I'm so sensitive and impulsive, while he's more rational, I guess.

Hmm... it really breaks my heart. For us to have a decent conversation, he has to go to all that trouble to carry my dad and stuff.. GOODNESS. I just want to sit next to him in
some cafe or something.. actually without my parents' knowledge :D. LOL. I'm such a bad girl too. I don't like having this type of relationship in the hospital.. and then sitting in the
ambulance with him and then seeing him off from my house.

I LOVE SITTING WITH HIM AND JUST TALKING TO HIM. Just need a better place. But he's too busy, and maybe he doesn't wanna spend time with me elsewhere. Sighh.. this thing between me and him is just ridiculous. We've never even had a proper date.. That's why I never know what to say to him.. it's just so strange. But I can't say that to him cuz I'm afraid he won't understand. And I gotta respect his working hours and stuff..

My life is so complicated right now.. wish I could be as cheerful and optimistic as him.. I really don't know.. guess I won't get that hug.. I've been so mean to him, I won't blame
him if he starts hating me.. he most likely loves me less than before. I'm weird.. absolutely weird. I've always longed for a guy to love me... and for it to be a mutual thing. And now,
when it's mutual, I start doubting him and then I start ignoring him.. and I just get so scared that he'll dump me or something. So I start acting cold towards him. YESSS. I'm weird.

Always have been weird. Yepp. This is a really long post.. cuz I'm hurting really badly now. The thing I'm most scared of is if he comes on Monday.. I'll surely give in cuz I'm not
really capable of being so cold.. it's not me, I just act cold.. And if he comes, it means he hasn't given up on me. And I won't give up on someone who doesn't give up on me. (((:

No matter how much it hurts. aaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh. I'm such a dumb girl, no wonder got rejected by nus and ntu.. Sighh.. I guess on Monday I can figure out how much I mean
to him.. then I can finally reach a conclusion and I think most likely I'll find out that he has given up and it's time to seriously get over him.. END OF MY SHORT LOVE STORY.

Till next time.